


the choices we make

by acaciapines



Series: hollyleaf and her brothers deserved better [3]
Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Gen, Sibling Bonding, a little bit of murder but its ashfur so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 18:58:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15225774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acaciapines/pseuds/acaciapines
Summary: Hollyleaf has blood on her paws and a broken warrior code to her name, but somehow, she's still not alone. She has Jayfeather, paws just as bloody as hers, and Lionblaze, even if he doesn't understand, and nothing else matters anyways.





	the choices we make

“So,” Jayfeather says, “murder. That's the logical next step, right?”

Hollyleaf stares at her brother and sneezes. The air is thick with humidity and she feels vaguely sick, though she isn’t sure if it’s from the season or from something else. Jayfeather huffs and twitches an ear, but they’re pressed so close together, hidden up in the branches of a thick-leafed tree, so it’s not like he can go anywhere.

“That’s against the code, Jay,” Hollyleaf reminds him, and maybe herself. She doesn’t want to think about it that hard.

“We’ve already established that the code isn’t great,” Jayfeather reminds her. “Though the ‘no murder’ rule was a good one. Just not in our very very specific circumstances, because obviously playing nice isn’t working. I tell Ashfur in his dreams! His dreams! To keep his mouth shut and he still refuses.”

Hollyleaf nods. “I knew it wasn’t going to work, but…”

“You hoped,” Jayfeather finishes, and butts his head against hers, letting out a soft purr. “Hey, we all did.”

“Murder,” Hollyleaf says, and pretends the word tastes like victory, “okay. It’s to keep us safe. We're breaking the code to break it less later down the line.”

“You make no sense sometimes,” Jayfeather says, and takes a careful step back, milky blue eyes boring into hers.

“I know,” she tells him, and turns her gaze up to the sky, to the bits of black night she can see through the leaves. The moon isn’t full, she knows, even if she can’t see it, but it will be soon, and by then it will be too late.

She's taking her destiny into her own paws, like Jayfeather never got to do. Like she never got to do, born against everything the clans stand for. She’s not letting Ashfur ruin everything for her and her brothers. She’s not letting Mom ruin everything. She’s rejecting the easy path.

She's breaking the code and she’s breaking what she’s already broken.

Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe destiny is already woven around the three of them and there’s nothing they can do but let it drag them along. Maybe Lionblaze won’t ever be able to look them in the eyes again.

Hollyleaf returns her gaze to Jayfeather. He's pure determination, he’s courage, he’s Thunderclan in the way it should be: fighting for what’s right even if the whole world disagrees.  

He’s in the same boat as her, except long ago, she got to choose her path. He never did.

Now they can choose together.

* * *

There's blood staining her paws, stinging the sides of her jaw, sharp and bitter on her tongue. The river thrums in her ears and she can barely hear Jayfeather, but she forces her ears to prick up and listen.

“Well,” Jayfeather says. His paws are just as bloody as hers, but he has them in the river, letting the water tug the blood off . It was a job for two: she leapt out of the shadows and dug her claws into his sides and belly, holding him down, Jayfeather ripped into his neck and laughed hatred and fear. 

Hollyleaf blinks and stumbles over to the river. “What now?” she asks, staring down at her reflection. Her eyes are wild and her fur is a ruffled mess, her side a patchwork of new scars, because cats fight hard when they know you’re trying to kill them.

When you’re betraying them.

But Ashfur did that first, so. Who cares, really. Not Hollyleaf. His blood is on her paws and she could care less.

“We can shove Ashfur into the river,” Jayfeather says, “let the current drag him away. Should also get rid of our scents, if anyone happens to find him. Then we catch something so we have an excuse for any blood that doesn’t come out and tell Lionblaze.”

“Simple,” Hollyleaf mutters, and dips her paws in the river, shattering her reflection. “Jay…”

She trails off because she doesn’t know how to form her thoughts into words. They're floating in her head, worries about how this isn’t making her feel better, how she should be mad at herself but just feels like she’s a dying forest fire, like she did nothing and the problem is still there.

Because Leafpool and Crowfeather are their birth parents and she can’t do anything to change that. She has to live with that fact, she and Jayfeather and Lionblaze, born wrong, born to fulfill a prophecy she might not be a part of, so really, what was the point of her birth?

Jayfeather snorts, pulling his paws out of the water and lifting one up to lick. He smooths the fur back into place and does the same for the other, then stands and shakes himself, stretching with a yawn. “You almost done?” he asks.

Hollyleaf pulls her black paws out of the water, no blood in sight, and rubs them over her face. The water is heavy and she hates the feel of it on her muzzle, but this is more important. She bends down to drink a few mouthfuls of water so everything doesn’t taste like blood and goes to stand with Jayfeather.             

“Sure,” she says. “Together?”

He nods and they grab Ashfur, dragging him to the river. Hollyleaf is the one to push him in, watch him flop limply into the water and drift out of sight.

“He’s gone,” Hollyleaf says, and leans against her brother, “we did it.”

“I think this makes me the worst medicine cat in history,” Jayfeather says, and lets out a purr that’s less happy and more a desperate attempt to comfort himself, “good thing I don’t care!”

His words are flat and Hollyleaf knows he’s lying, but she’s lying to him and herself also, so she doesn’t call him out. She purrs back and pretends all her problems are gone, if only for this moment.

* * *

Lionblaze is staring at them, eyes wide, ears pressed flat. The fur on his spine is prickling up and his tail is sweeping back and forth behind him. It’s almost hypnotic.

“I…” he trails off and drops his head to stare at his paws. Jayfeather shifts beside Hollyleaf, and there’s an uneasy purr building in her throat. “You…killed…but…”

Lionblaze swallows and whimpers softly. “I don’t get it,” he says, “you just…and I know he was gonna ruin everything and that’s bad and you’re my siblings and I love you more than anything but you killed Ashfur and…and…and the Gathering is tonight! The clan is going to find out, and I'm gonna…I can’t let you guys get killed.”

Lionblaze is pacing, now, tail even more agitated. “You can’t get cast out,” he says, “I don’t know what I'd do without you.” He stops and faces them. “I don’t know,” he repeats, “I just don’t know.”

“Yeah, neither do we,” Jayfeather says. His tail finds Hollyleaf’s, and he twines it around hers, shuffling in place. “We couldn’t let Ashfur tell everybody.”

“We’re already breaking the code by living,” Hollyleaf explains, “we can’t really make things worse.”

They did the right thing. They had to kill Ashfur. He deserved it, he wanted to ruin everything and Hollyleaf can’t let that happen. She has a duty and that is to keep her brothers safe, and they have the same duty. They have to keep each other safe.

“We only have each other now,” she tells Lionblaze and Jayfeather.

Lionblaze growls. “Yeah,” he spits, “yeah, we do, and I hate everything about this, and I hate that I'm not even that mad at the two of you when you literally killed someone! But I get where you’re coming from and you’re right, we only have each other and everything about this sucks! It’s stupid!”

“Lion,” Jayfeather says, and Lionblaze lets out a broken purr, sitting down and wrapping his tail around himself, ears drooping.

“I hate Mom,” he says, “but I also don’t. I hate Leafpool but I also don’t. I just want everything to make sense! I want everything to be normal!”

Hollyleaf lets her own purr out to join Lionblaze’s, goes to bury her head in his thick fur and feel his purr vibrate through him, hear the steady thumping of his heart. Jayfeather is just a few steps beside her, crashing into the two of them, purring anger and fear and love.

“Starclan,” Lionblaze says, “I love the two of you.” His purr is deep and fierce, scared but loving, and Hollyleaf tries to keep this image in her mind: the three of them together and purring and siblings, because nothing and nobody can take this away from them.

“I don’t agree with what you did,” Lionblaze continues, “but that doesn’t matter. Not now.”

Hollyleaf purrs her love stronger because maybe then it’ll drown out the thoughts in her head. Maybe it’ll make everything good again, it’ll make the problem go away, it’ll make Hollyleaf not a thing broken, but a thing whole, never born wrong to begin with.

It doesn’t work, but it’s nice to pretend.

* * *

The moon is full above Hollyleaf, casting soft light over the island of gathering cats. Ashfur never showed up. He was so excited to come, Firestar had said, asked him personally. Hollyleaf huffs and her tail curls in pride.

She should be happy, elated, because without Ashfur, nobody will ever know her secret. Their secret. Nobody will know that they’re are not only half-clan, but the kits of a medicine cat, breaking not one but two laws.

But nothing’s changed, really. Leafpool’s still her birth mom. Crowfeather’s still her birth father. Nothing she ever does will change that, and nothing she ever does will make life normal again. She’s broken the warrior code three times, she has blood on her paws, and nothing really matters anymore.

“Hey,” Hollyleaf says, and Lionblaze looks over at her, concerned. Jayfeather's too far away to hear, at the base of the Great Oak, so it’s just Lionblaze to try and calm her down.

“You good?” he asks, ignoring the hisses he gets from cats around them to shut up. “If you need me to help you, let me know, okay? I don’t want…we’re not in this alone.”

“The warrior code is dead,” Hollyleaf tells him. “It’s dead and nothing we do will ever fix that.”

Lionblaze's ears are up in alarm, but Hollyleaf keeps talking. “I thought killing Ashfur would fix that,” she says, “but it didn’t really do anything and I didn’t really care.”

“Hollyleaf…?” Lionblaze asks, as she stands up. “Are you okay?”

“I love you,” she tells him, and nuzzles him. “None of this is your fault.”

And then she’s walking for the Great Oak, weaving through the crowd as Firestar finishes up his report. She hops up onto the roots beside Jayfeather and turns her back to Leafpool.

“Holly?” he asks, nose crinkling, “you’re not bleeding or hurt…where’s Lionblaze? Is he okay?”

“Nothing we do is going to fix anything,” Hollyleaf tells him, “and I don’t care.”

She butts her head against Jayfeather and scrambles her way up the Great Oak.

Firestar's not talking anymore, and neither are the other leaders, and the crowd is stunned silent. Well, most of them. Lionblaze is yelling and she can see Jayfeather out of the corner of her eye, confused but following her, just a bit slower. He's unsure in his climb while she’s not.

Hollyleaf makes it to a branch one below the leaders and stands tall, ears shoved forward, head held high, tail curled over her back. Jayfeather slumps over beside her, panting.

“I have no idea what you’re doing but we’re in this together,” he says, and then turns his gaze to the crowd. “Lionblaze!” he calls, “c’mon, might as well get all of us, yeah?” Jayfeather pushes himself to his paws and stands proud beside Hollyleaf, and she feels a purr building up. Everything is ruined but it’s ruined with her brothers: she has them and they aren’t going anywhere.

“Do you…” Firestar trails off, staring down at them. “If you wanted to say something at the gathering you should’ve asked me first. Or did you just climb the Great Oak for fun…?”

One of the other leaders, Onestar, Hollyleaf thinks, lets out a dry laugh. “Thunderclan breaking rules, as always,” he says, “even their medicine cat is doing it.”

Jayfeather ignores him. “Lionblaze, either yell that you’re not coming or hurry up. I can’t see you because I can’t see any of this, and I don’t want me and Holly looking dumb up here.”

“You already do!” Lionblaze yells, faint from how far down he is, “but don’t worry! Everyone’s mostly too stunned to do anything, and I guess we’re dying on this hill together.”

Hollyleaf can see her brother, pushing his way past cats and to the Great Oak. Jayfeather lets out a pleased purr and turns his head to Hollyleaf. “You have a plan?” he asks.

“Our lives will never be normal again,” she tells him, and then, to the crowd, yowling as loud as she can, “I have something I’d like to say.”

Lionblaze finally makes his way to their branch and settles beside Jayfeather, fur fluffed up against the wind.

“Hollyleaf,” Firestar says, “get down.”

“No,” she says, and flattens her ears, “nothing matters and I don’t care.”               

“Well,” Blackstar says with a purr, “I'd love to hear what this warrior has to say, or do you not trust your clan, Firestar? Some terrible secret you’re hiding from the rest of us?”

“No,” Firestar snaps, bristling. “Fine. Whatever you say, make sure you won’t regret it.”

All eyes are on her, now.

“I'm Hollyleaf,” she starts, “these are my brothers, Jayfeather and Lionblaze, and they’re the only cats left who matter.”

She swallows back her fear and takes a deep breath. “Our entire lives we thought we were the kits of Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw, but that was a lie. We've been breaking the warrior code since we were born, because we’re half-clan kits. Leafpool is our birth mother and Crowfeather our birth father.”

She doesn’t really know what to say next, and the crowd below them is a mess. She can hear Squirrelflight yelling something, can see Brambleclaw blinking beside her, can see Leafpool slumped over herself, can see Crowfeather staring beside his mate, Nightcloud, and their half-brother, Breezepelt.

“Sibling bonding,” Jayfeather mutters, pricking up an ear when he hears Crowfeather yowl.

“She’s lying!” Crowfeather calls, “I have one son, and that’s Breezepelt!”               

“No,” Leafpool says, “no. She’s…telling the truth.”

Leafpool lifts her head to meet Crowfeather’s gaze from across the clearing, and Hollyleaf can see the shock in his eyes. Part of her feels the same. Most of her agrees with him. Crowfeather does have one son. He's no father of hers.

But he is her birth father, no matter how hard she doesn’t want that. The clans don’t see things the same as her. It’s still breaking the code.

Hollyleaf twines her tail with Jayfeather’s. She’s said her part. She's not fixed anything, but she was never going to do that to begin with.

Jayfeather speaks up next, and the crowd quiets down to hear. “The warrior code is broken,” he says, “because it caused us to live in a lie our entire lives. We have a right to know about our backgrounds and a right to be treated like any other cat, no matter what the cats who birthed us did. We have the right to choose our own paths, and not be forced into a role we don’t want because there’s nowhere else for us to go.”

“So that’s what we’re doing,” Hollyleaf adds, “Thunderclan is a clan of cowards and liars. Thunderclan stole choice away from my brother. But nothing matters anymore, because no matter what we do, our very lives break the warrior code.”

Hollyleaf pauses to breathe and looks down at her paws. They're clean, but just yesterday she was killing a cat because he was going to do what she’s doing now.

But she’s choosing to do this. Ashfur wasn’t going to let her choose.

“That’s all I have,” Hollyleaf says. She took destiny into her own paws and made it her own. She feels lighter than she has since she found out her life was a lie, and she can’t help but grin.

Jayfeather snorts. “I guess that’s us, then,” he says. “Oh, wait, no, I killed a cat, as long as we’re revealing secrets. I'm sure the motive is obvious, if anyone was wondering what happened to Ashfur. Lionblaze?”

“…no,” he says, “I'm here for…moral support? I guess?”

Hollyleaf has her brothers, and in the end, that’s all she needs.

* * *

“Hmm,” Jayfeather says, “this is…”

Hollyleaf stays quiet, letting him decide. Thunderclan makes her feel wrong and heavy and she doesn’t want to feel like that anymore, feel broken and trapped. She wants to feel like herself again.

“Holly, you can’t!” Lionblaze says. “Look, this is final, okay? Everything is awful and Jayfeather went and made it worse, but…”

“Yeah, well, it was my choice, and Starclan knows I don’t get a lot of those,” Jayfeather says, and nods. “Okay. I'm in.”

“You too?” Lionblaze groans, “I can’t…I can’t betray my clan like that. We’re destined to save the clans, we can’t just…run away!”

“You’re okay,” Hollyleaf tells him, “you haven’t done anything wrong. Me and Jayfeather killed a cat and there’s no coming back from that.”

“But you’re my siblings,” Lionblaze says, “I can’t betray you either.”

Jayfeather bumps his nose to Lionblaze’s. “And you won’t be,” he says, “Thunderclan isn’t good for me or Holly right now. Maybe one day we’ll come back, maybe not, but I don’t care about the clans. I'm finally getting to make a choice, and I choose to go.”

Jayfeather steps back to touch shoulders with Hollyleaf.

“Starclan,” Lionblaze mutters, “I—I love you two, okay? I love you and I always will. Don't you dare die.”

“We’ll keep in touch,” Jayfeather says, “I'll walk in your dreams every night I can.”

“You’d better,” Lionblaze says, “I love you. Come back soon.”

Hollyleaf lets her brother nuzzle her one last time, and purrs into his touch. She's making a choice but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. She wants her brothers with her. She wants Lionblaze with her always.

But she can’t just…take that from him. He wants to stay. She isn’t going to force him.

“Love you too,” she says, as Lionblaze moves to nuzzle Jayfeather. He nods, takes a step back.

“Yeah, and I love both of you,” Jayfeather says, then turns to Hollyleaf. “Lead the way?”

The tunnels the three of them once almost died in as apprentices are before them, the opening deep and dark. Hollyleaf stares at them, into the darkness. They’ll find a way that leads to uninhabited lands, asking Jayfeather’s ghost friend who lives in the tunnels, and be rouges until they choose to come back.

“Choices,” Hollyleaf says, “we’re making choices.”

She takes the first step into the unknown, Jayfeather at her side and Lionblaze watching over them, and thinks about purring with her brothers.

**Author's Note:**

> i cant believe im writing this instead of working on quintuplets...i said i was going to finish it this summer and i havent even reread it im so bad at writing. if anyone reading this read quintuplets know i havent abandoned it im just very very lazy and procrastinating a lot. 
> 
> in other news. this series is going to be finished at some point. there's probably going to be two or three more? one is jayfeather and hollyleaf as rouges and eventually deciding to return to thunderclan, and then there's the 'hollyleaf and ivypool fall in love' and 'scenes from the final batttle' though i dont know if that'll be in the same story or split into two. i also havent decided if dovewing is keeping her powers. probably. that'll be fun. maybe she'll be the fourth. dont expect these anytime soon though i write warrior cats at two am when im hit with inspiration.
> 
> also i have no idea how jayfeather's powers work. i just remember he can like walk in dreams? so yeah. hopefully that has no limits cause if it does i dont remember them and also dont really care. my world now.


End file.
